Don't blame the victim

I've been avoiding this blog because I still need to write about my experience going up against him in court, but I'm just not ready. So I'm not going to write about it now. I am instead going to write about an article that is making me really emotional and that I hope that you all read. I saw this article on a friend's Facebook page, and almost regretted reading it because everything is still so raw for me. The article is titled, "Don't blame the victim, or the photographer" and it is in response to a photo essay by Sara Naomi Lewkowicz for Time Magazine, and mostly the readers' comments. Here are links to the article: Don't blame the victim, or the photographer and the photo essay: Photographer as Witness: A Portrait of Domestic Violence

I didn't read most of the 1831 comments on the photo essay because I'm afraid it will be too hard. Reading "Don't blame the victim" and its reports of comments such as, "She is not the victim. She is the perpetrator" in response to the woman who is being choked and threatened by a raging, aggressive man, was hard enough. 

I can't fucking stand this.

How can people so massively misunderstand and choose not to see the truth? IT IS NOT HER FAULT. It was not my fault. It is nobody's fault except the person who chooses to put their hands on another person.

My favorite quote of the article is something that my therapist tends to repeat to me weekly, "There are limitless variations on the lies people tell themselves about women like Maggie who are beaten by their partners. The truth is so much more straightforward: Women are abused by men who are abusers" and later "Abuse is committed by abusers, who alone are responsible for their violence."

No matter how much Buttface's emotional abuse wants to invade my every thought, my therapist is there to tell me that no matter what reason I come up with to blame it on myself, "Women are abused by men who are abusers". But besides the incredibly traumatic and twisted lies that Buttface got me to believe about myself, I also have to deal with society and society's fucked up opinions about domestic violence. 

Some that are mentioned in the article: that she should have seen it coming (victim blaming), she stays because she likes it (uh...sick and twisted, ignorant, and oh, yeah, victim blaming), and that she deserved it because she was cheating on her husband (deserved it??? ENRAGING, and still, victim blaming).

Some that have been used in response to me: that I was being vindictive for wanting justice, that I didn't deserve justice because he a) gave me so much and b) hadn't come after me (you know, since the last time he came after me...), and that I didn't deserve justice because I wasn't doing it on (choose a person)'s time frame, but instead (gasp!) on my own.

I am so sickened by this all that I'm having a hard time putting coherent thoughts together about it.

Why is this kind of thinking so common and worse, so accepted? It shocks me every day that anyone could possibly blame me for this. This is not the 1950s (not that it was EVER okay to blame the victim, I just really thought that we had come farther than this!).

A strategy that was used against me in court is that I started arguments, even that I was the aggressor. Oy. So many things to say to that one. a) this is not true and b) how would this person know (that we lived with for exactly one month) what all of our arguments were like and c) (here's the important one) WHY WOULD IT MATTER? Again, it's not true, but even if I screamed at Buttface, all day, every day for the entire three years that we were together, SO??? That doesn't make it my fault! That doesn't mean I deserved it. I never once even came close to putting my hands on him. He Chose to put his hands on me and that makes it only his fault.

How did we get to a place (or stay in a place, I guess) in our society where someone can deserve to be beaten?? I have a lot of theories and they're mostly about male privilege, but I don't accept any of them, and I refuse to let them inside of me, because it is more simple than that. Never, ever, ever is physical violence okay.

The commenters apparently even search so hard for a way to make it not the perpetrator's fault that they try then to blame the photographer. For not intervening. This is a tough and controversial subject, as those of you who followed the NYC subway death/photographer ethical debate, but it should not be the main story here (p.s. she did intervene, as you will find out in the article. Still not the story). The story should be the abuser.

Just like this blog shouldn't be about me. It shouldn't be about my attempts to rebuild my life, it should be about his. Because he should be the one ostracized in society, he should have the consequences for his actions that are solely his fault. He should not be able to look at himself in the mirror. And anyone that thinks that I had anything to do with it should not be able to either. 

I'm sorry that this happened to you, Maggie (and everyone else this happens to), as I said in my comment. It was not your fault and you are not to blame. You are so brave for letting the world see this part of your life, and you should not be ashamed. I'm sorry for all the hurtful comments. I hope that you're not reading them, but that doesn't make them go away. I am working to change erroneous conceptions and by sharing your story, you certainly are too.

Easter

Today is a hard day for me. Easter has always been a big holiday for Stupid-Head and over the years we started throwing ten-course dinner parties together. I know that he's still doing that himself. And that all my former friends are over there having a great time. How is life at all fair that I am all alone and missing that?

I don't have anything insightful to say. Just ready for some of this to make sense. But I'm pretty sure it never will.

Pseudonym for Abuser

A friend just pointed out that I should be safer and not use my abuser's name. I don't know the legality of these things and if using his first name would count as defamation, but I want to be as safe as I can and not give him anything to use further against me. So now I'm proposing a contest for the best pseudonym for him? I'm just going to put a *blank* placeholder in my previous posts for now.

But, please help! Let's come up with something fitting, that's still appropriate all audiences. My friend suggested WeakPatheticLoser. What do you think??

New girlfriend/Friends 2

He's dating again. It was bound to happen and I expected to feel really sick about the fact that I wouldn't be able to warn his new girlfriend about his true nature (because she wouldn't believe me. I'm a perfect example of this). What actually happened is even worse. He's now dating one of our friends. Well. My former friend. A former friend who knows what happened. And yes, I feel sick. I feel absolutely nauseated with the betrayal. For so many reasons. This confirms my suspicions that he had feelings for her while we were dating, which would always be hard. But the hardest part is what I feel like she's saying to me. It's one of three things: That it didn't matter. That it didn't happen and that I was lying. Or, the worst, that it was my fault. Because it's not going to happen to her! Right?? Because no one would sign up for this, knowing his true nature. No one. I'm utterly confused. And just so incredibly hurt.

This person wasn't a great friend of mine. I'm not missing anything from not having her in my life anymore. It doesn't make her message any less painful, but I can at least be thankful that I wasn't close to her. What does hurt though is that her best friend/roommate/life partner was a good friend of mine. I thought. And losing his friendship is really painful. He didn't warn me, he stopped talking to me, and I have to assume that he didn't protest when his best friend started dating an abuser. I cannot fathom. I mean, I'm mostly concerned with my loss, but let's think about that for a second. He supports his best friend dating an abuser?? And he's not concerned for her? He's not scared for her safety? I don't know for sure that he didn't try to talk her out of it, because, like I said, he stopped talking to me. I wrote him an email because I always need closure and he didn't write me back. And then he blocked me on g-chat. He blocked me. Because I'm so awful? I'm so bad? I don't get it. At all. And it is sooooo painful to me.

*Blank* has this magic. I made a breakthrough a while ago when I realized that. That I was always under his spell and that no matter how many times I thought of leaving him, I couldn't stand the thought of not having his super fun presence in my life. Somehow, maybe because of the severity of his last attack, that veil was lifted. I'm no longer under his spell. My breakthrough was realizing that other people still are.

I seriously feel like I'm living in The Matrix. I am the only one who took the red pill and am living in the real world now.

Knowing this doesn't make it any easier. Not at all. I'm a fucking mess. I can't get out of bed most days and I have very little hope that it's ever going to get better. The pain is unbearable. But for as emotional as my brain can be, it's quite analytical as well. I'm always reaching for understanding and erroneously thinking I'll find peace in it. Erroneously, because I don't believe there's a way to understand it. And I can't imagine ever finding peace in any of this.   

Friends

This is probably the most painful topic for me and one that I cannot really blame *Blank* for. At least not completely.

I honestly feel like I am living in an alternate reality. How could soo many people abandon me?? Or even maliciously drop me as a friend.

I feel like I could probably handle the abuse and getting out if it weren't for this.

And lest you think that it doesn't mean the world to me, there have definitely been people who have stuck by me. Mostly friends that I have known for 20 years, but there have even been people that I barely know or that I haven't talked to in years that have come out of the woodwork to support me. I think you are all incredible people and I in no way want to diminish your support and your efforts.

I just thought everyone would be like you.

Because how could they not be? It wasn't my fault. IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!! I feel like I'm at the bottom of a canyon shouting up to people. Can you not hear me? See me? Do you not care? Do you not believe me???

My old roommate (who came home in the middle of my last attack) told me that he knows it's not my fault. But he dropped me when I decided to press charges. And when I decided to press charges, I went and got a restraining order. I think part of his problem is that I waited five months to file charges. And he thinks that this is just being vindictive. No. It was about survival. It was strategic. I was staying someplace temporary, where I couldn't bring all of my stuff and my beloved cat was still at *Blank*'s as well. He said that I could use the car that we shared (because he's such a good guy!) to get to work. I needed to use his car to survive since I left with zero dollars to my name and the only job I could get so quickly was at a call center that was three buses away and didn't even drop off as early as I needed to get there.

I had to play nice. I needed these things from him to survive. I should not have to be ashamed of that. We built a life together over three years. I was completely dependent on him. If he had to leave suddenly in the middle of the night where would he go?

I've gotten my belongings out (well, the ones he decided to let me have. That tortuous mind game may be another post someday) and cut all ties with him and am now pursuing justice. There's a two year statute of limitations on domestic violence in Oregon. To former roommate: that statute is there for a reason. I wasn't able to press charges before because I was afraid of HIS being vindictive. He doesn't get to win at this.

Former roommate also accused me of, "using resources that women in real danger need" and therefore taking them away from them. It boggles my mind. First of all, that's not how it works. My getting a restraining order does not prevent anyone else from getting a restraining order. That's illogical. Second of all, I AM one of those women. Just because he hasn't come after me in five months?? Former roommate even said that he didn't think he'd come after me. Well, let me explain something to you, former roommate. That's what a restraining order is there for. When you have to put the emphasis on "think". A restraining order is not punishment. It's not even full protection. A little piece of paper is not going to keep him from flying off the handle and coming to kill me. Trust me. I'm still terrified. It simply puts the steps in place so that the cops know there has been a problem before. And hopefully react quicker.

I don't understand how someone can be so self-righteous about this and ON THE WRONG SIDE. *Blank* should go to jail. He should be punished. When I testify, I will be asking for anger management/counseling to be ordered. It's the only way to even think it won't happen to someone else.

Besides the flat out betrayal and denial of support, there's allllll of the people who have ignored me. *Blank* and I shared a lot of friends, both those we made in our time together and those that we met through the other. I understand a little more about the people that didn't know me before. But even so. How can you hear what he did and want to stay friends with him? How do you let this slide? Again. Because it didn't happen to you? Where are your morals? Where is your sense of justice?? And empathy??? Because it could happen to you. If it happened to me, it could happen to you. And then you'll know what true loneliness feels like.

Next up: His new girlfriend/Friends 2

How did I get here?

I know so many of the typical signs of an abuser. And I chastise myself some times (much more than I should) for missing them. But I think that while there are signs, not every situation looks alike. My abuser is incredibly smart, which I guess many abusers are. And it's hard to see someone you love as manipulating you. Especially when he seems like he's in so much pain. It's hard to watch him struggle and think that he has an alternate agenda to control you.

I'll be talking about my therapy sessions a lot, which feels really uncomfortable at first, but I want to offer any insight I can and that's where a lot of them are happening. I'm lucky enough to have a therapist who has a background in working with survivors. I've just started working with him, but I think he's going to be very helpful.

Our last session was so powerful that I wish I had recorded it. I did have to stop him once and ask for a piece of paper so that I didn't forget this one thing he told me. *Blank*'s violence was deliberate. Deliberate. That's so mind-boggling to me. It's easy to justify abuse. I wish it wasn't so easy. But I did it. It's easy to say he has "episodes". That he "loses control". Well, I'd like to get that last phrase out of our collective consciousness because it's bullshit. If you have so little control of yourself when you get angry, that is still on you. That is not an excuse. You still did whatever your anger "made" you do.

And here's the kicker for me. He didn't get help. I suppose he could justify that to himself because the times that he hurt or threatened me were my fault. Or alcohol's fault. Or his abusive mother's fault. Anyone but his. None of these reasons matter. Even if they were true. Because he took no steps to change it. He knew that alcohol made him angry. Made him violent. He didn't stop drinking (he actually blamed it on me that he couldn't stop drinking!). He stopped seeing his therapist (again, that one was my fault. Apparently, I didn't want him to see a therapist), and he never took anger management classes even though I asked him to many times.

It was deliberate. This is huge for me. And going to take some time to wrap my brain around. Because how can a person that was supposed to love me, deliberately hurt me? Deliberately manipulate me and my emotions and twist our lives so that he has all the power over me. But in such a manipulative way that I can't even see it!!

My therapist calls it the crazy-making. I love that phrase. It's so true. He got so deep in my head that I question my sanity. There are so many layers to pull back here in order to get back to me. There are so many layers to work through what he did to me. It's crazy-making. It's brilliant.

Introduction

Hello,

My name is Sarah and I am a survivor of domestic violence. I'm a girl who should have known better. I'm smart. I have a bachelor's in social work. I even did an internship at a domestic violence shelter in college. It shouldn't have happened to me. But it did. I'm very much in the throes of working through this, and healing, in as much as anyone can heal from this. And I'm struggling with how to be a girl who should have known better. How to be smart, insightful, and aware and still find myself a victim.

I feel so all alone in this struggle. I've found little resources to help. I want this blog to already exist so that I can just come and read it and gain insight. But I haven't found it, so I have to start it myself. I hope that other people stumble across this and that it helps you feel understood. I hope those of you that have never experienced domestic violence read this and start to understand. At least start to understand that you can never understand until you've been there. And start to understand how you can help.

This topic needs to be blown up and talked about instead of hidden and ashamed. It was not my fault. It shouldn't have happened and nothing about it is fair. I'm trying to heal, but not entirely convinced it is possible yet. I hope making my journey public helps you. Here goes.