Friends

This is probably the most painful topic for me and one that I cannot really blame *Blank* for. At least not completely.

I honestly feel like I am living in an alternate reality. How could soo many people abandon me?? Or even maliciously drop me as a friend.

I feel like I could probably handle the abuse and getting out if it weren't for this.

And lest you think that it doesn't mean the world to me, there have definitely been people who have stuck by me. Mostly friends that I have known for 20 years, but there have even been people that I barely know or that I haven't talked to in years that have come out of the woodwork to support me. I think you are all incredible people and I in no way want to diminish your support and your efforts.

I just thought everyone would be like you.

Because how could they not be? It wasn't my fault. IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!! I feel like I'm at the bottom of a canyon shouting up to people. Can you not hear me? See me? Do you not care? Do you not believe me???

My old roommate (who came home in the middle of my last attack) told me that he knows it's not my fault. But he dropped me when I decided to press charges. And when I decided to press charges, I went and got a restraining order. I think part of his problem is that I waited five months to file charges. And he thinks that this is just being vindictive. No. It was about survival. It was strategic. I was staying someplace temporary, where I couldn't bring all of my stuff and my beloved cat was still at *Blank*'s as well. He said that I could use the car that we shared (because he's such a good guy!) to get to work. I needed to use his car to survive since I left with zero dollars to my name and the only job I could get so quickly was at a call center that was three buses away and didn't even drop off as early as I needed to get there.

I had to play nice. I needed these things from him to survive. I should not have to be ashamed of that. We built a life together over three years. I was completely dependent on him. If he had to leave suddenly in the middle of the night where would he go?

I've gotten my belongings out (well, the ones he decided to let me have. That tortuous mind game may be another post someday) and cut all ties with him and am now pursuing justice. There's a two year statute of limitations on domestic violence in Oregon. To former roommate: that statute is there for a reason. I wasn't able to press charges before because I was afraid of HIS being vindictive. He doesn't get to win at this.

Former roommate also accused me of, "using resources that women in real danger need" and therefore taking them away from them. It boggles my mind. First of all, that's not how it works. My getting a restraining order does not prevent anyone else from getting a restraining order. That's illogical. Second of all, I AM one of those women. Just because he hasn't come after me in five months?? Former roommate even said that he didn't think he'd come after me. Well, let me explain something to you, former roommate. That's what a restraining order is there for. When you have to put the emphasis on "think". A restraining order is not punishment. It's not even full protection. A little piece of paper is not going to keep him from flying off the handle and coming to kill me. Trust me. I'm still terrified. It simply puts the steps in place so that the cops know there has been a problem before. And hopefully react quicker.

I don't understand how someone can be so self-righteous about this and ON THE WRONG SIDE. *Blank* should go to jail. He should be punished. When I testify, I will be asking for anger management/counseling to be ordered. It's the only way to even think it won't happen to someone else.

Besides the flat out betrayal and denial of support, there's allllll of the people who have ignored me. *Blank* and I shared a lot of friends, both those we made in our time together and those that we met through the other. I understand a little more about the people that didn't know me before. But even so. How can you hear what he did and want to stay friends with him? How do you let this slide? Again. Because it didn't happen to you? Where are your morals? Where is your sense of justice?? And empathy??? Because it could happen to you. If it happened to me, it could happen to you. And then you'll know what true loneliness feels like.

Next up: His new girlfriend/Friends 2