He's dating again. It was bound to happen and I expected to feel really sick about the fact that I wouldn't be able to warn his new girlfriend about his true nature (because she wouldn't believe me. I'm a perfect example of this). What actually happened is even worse. He's now dating one of our friends. Well. My former friend. A former friend who knows what happened. And yes, I feel sick. I feel absolutely nauseated with the betrayal. For so many reasons. This confirms my suspicions that he had feelings for her while we were dating, which would always be hard. But the hardest part is what I feel like she's saying to me. It's one of three things: That it didn't matter. That it didn't happen and that I was lying. Or, the worst, that it was my fault. Because it's not going to happen to her! Right?? Because no one would sign up for this, knowing his true nature. No one. I'm utterly confused. And just so incredibly hurt.
This person wasn't a great friend of mine. I'm not missing anything from not having her in my life anymore. It doesn't make her message any less painful, but I can at least be thankful that I wasn't close to her. What does hurt though is that her best friend/roommate/life partner was a good friend of mine. I thought. And losing his friendship is really painful. He didn't warn me, he stopped talking to me, and I have to assume that he didn't protest when his best friend started dating an abuser. I cannot fathom. I mean, I'm mostly concerned with my loss, but let's think about that for a second. He supports his best friend dating an abuser?? And he's not concerned for her? He's not scared for her safety? I don't know for sure that he didn't try to talk her out of it, because, like I said, he stopped talking to me. I wrote him an email because I always need closure and he didn't write me back. And then he blocked me on g-chat. He blocked me. Because I'm so awful? I'm so bad? I don't get it. At all. And it is sooooo painful to me.
*Blank* has this magic. I made a breakthrough a while ago when I realized that. That I was always under his spell and that no matter how many times I thought of leaving him, I couldn't stand the thought of not having his super fun presence in my life. Somehow, maybe because of the severity of his last attack, that veil was lifted. I'm no longer under his spell. My breakthrough was realizing that other people still are.
I seriously feel like I'm living in The Matrix. I am the only one who took the red pill and am living in the real world now.
Knowing this doesn't make it any easier. Not at all. I'm a fucking mess. I can't get out of bed most days and I have very little hope that it's ever going to get better. The pain is unbearable. But for as emotional as my brain can be, it's quite analytical as well. I'm always reaching for understanding and erroneously thinking I'll find peace in it. Erroneously, because I don't believe there's a way to understand it. And I can't imagine ever finding peace in any of this.
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